This material is adapted from Amy Jo’s teleclass, “The 5 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make When It Comes to Sex… and What to Do About It.”
The fourth mistake couples make when it comes to sex involves blaming the other person for sexual issues, as if blame and guilt will inspire their partner to “fix” it. It never happens that way, and the blame and guilt just push them further apart, sometimes to the point of no-repair.
Blame and guilt will kill your sex life. Granted, you sex life might already be laid out on the ground wounded, but if you throw some blame at your partner about it or try to guilt them into responsibility for it, you’ll just slay it altogether. I think it’s rare that a couple will recover from an ongoing pattern of blame/guilt about sex. That’s no way to get someone to want sex with you and it won’t feel good when you actually do try.
Typically the dynamic goes like this:
Partner A wants more sex and is dissatisfied about the frequency and/or quality of their sexual life. Partner B doesn’t care as much about sex or want sex the way Partner A does. Partner B is content to just avoid the subject all together. Partner A doesn’t like Partner B’s avoidance and blames them for checking out, not giving them what they want sexually or for not showing up for the sexual relationship. That blame might make Partner B feel guilty or bad, but they don’t know what to do because something is keeping them from wanting sex, so they just go into further avoidance. This tends to create a split and pulls the couple apart, as resentments build under the surface.
Eventually they stop talking about it at all and they both just get used to it and accept it as normal. No one is able to fix it and either they just grow further and further apart until they break up or one of them makes the bold move of asking for help. The third space is to just stay in a platonic relationship for all the other things you like about it and give up on sex altogether. And many people do make that choice, even if they don’t think it was a choice. But make no mistake; if you choose not to deal with your sexual issues, you are making a choice about them.
Bottom line: blame and guilt won’t help your cause. Communication, permission giving, honesty, mutual hard work and caring is what will get you out of the no-sex rut. Both partners have to want to change it. One person can only go so far if the other isn’t engaged with them. So here, we jump back to problem number one, which is not knowing how to communicate effectively. You’ve got to work on that so that your default modus operandi ceases to be blame and guilt when it comes to sex.
Read part 5
If you’re struggling with blame and guilt in your relationship and find it difficult to deal with on your own, join us on February 4th for a 6-week coaching circle called Bringing Sexy Back. In my 6-session virtual masterclass you will break through communication and internal issues to revitalize the spark in your relationship.