January 14, 2022
Pleasure & Desire

Sexuality as your BFF

Sometimes you are in a relationship and you might start feeling insecure about it, and it’s easy to begin to project all sorts of stories and ideas onto the other person, fearing they don’t love you, fearing they will walk away, fearing they can’t meet your needs and that something about the relationship is inadequate.

  • You might take any number of actions when that happens.
  • You might pick a fight.
  • You might tell them they don’t love you right. And that might come right out of left field for them because they are just going along and feeling fine.
  • You might disconnect or remove yourself.
  • You might bring up your heart shield and tell yourself you don’t care about them anyway so you don’t have to feel the pain.
lonely bed

Relating to the Sexual Self
We have a relationship to our sexuality and we often do these same things to our own sexual self. We tell ourselves it isn’t meeting our needs, it doesn’t care enough, it’s inadequate, and we disconnect, disassociate, distance ourselves and protect ourselves from feeling the pain of whatever needs are not being met by our sexuality. Sexuality is such a personal and core part of who we are that this can be incredibly painful.

If you treated your sexuality like a good friend whom you love dearly, how would that change your approach to it?

How would you love it differently?

How would you show up?

Blossoming the Self
In the best relationships, we blossom into the very best versions of ourselves. We show up more authentically and with more love and generosity. We accept the other exactly as they are, even as we encourage the other to grow. We don’t let them hold us back from growth, rather, we allow our growth to grow the relationship.

What might this look like in relationship to your sexuality?

passion photo

It means first and foremost that you will show up for it. Most people can’t even get to that point. They ignore it, give it no love, build up resentment and distress towards their sexuality and never quite embrace it as a dear friend and important aspect of self. Many people abandon their sexual selves.

When you show up for your sexuality, you show up for your own body and your own desire. You love your body. You stop comparing what you have and who you are to others, because you see that your sexual relationship is a unique and beautiful relationship that is all yours.

You don’t need to prove anything about it to others, because you are inside of it and you know what it gives you. It is a life spring of wellness, joy and expansion.

As you connect to your sexual desire, you connect to your desire in all of life. You put in effort to honor your wanting. This means being willing to put yourself out towards life more and more, and it requires not thinking you are wrong for your longing to begin with. Many people judge their own desires and that judgment prevents them from being self-intimate, from clarifying and fulfilling their own wanting.

There are ways to enjoy the longing. Seek. Ask questions about it. Play more. Laugh. Revel. Breathe.

Know that the longing inside of you is life itself giving itself more juice. That’s beautiful. That’s your sexuality bringing form to more life and more beauty.

Beauty, romance, pleasure and play are the languages of the sexual self.

Your sexuality speaks to you through your desires and through your body. If you are cut off from them, you won’t hear the messages. You won’t heed the warnings or the teachings. You won’t experience the fullness of who you are. You’ll be a fake BFF who is merely going through the motions and not really committed to appreciating and evolving the relationship.

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept it:
Today choose to do something that deeply connects you to your inner world of sexuality. It’s a wondrous world. Have some fun with it.

  • Play with an animal. Or with a human.
  • Create something beautiful (a space, a hairstyle, a public art piece or performance.)
  • Do a laughing or smiling meditation. Use a mirror and connect to yourself via laugher and the language of joy.
  • Do something romantic for yourself. Get yourself flowers—or pick a bouquet. Cook an amazing meal and eat by candlelight to gorgeous music.
  • Make love to yourself with all your being. No distractions. Be present and alive in your pleasure. Most of all, make it fun.
  • Do the thing that brings you the most pleasure.

Tell your sexuality how much you value it and love it. Give it the gift of your presence, openness, love and wisdom. Enjoy your relationship to this part of yourself and see what else opens up for you. Be a good friend to your sexual self.



What's Blocking You From The Intimacy You Want?

Take the first step to finally having the joy, freedom and sexiness you long for in your intimate relationships.


A’magine, formerly Amy Jo Goddard is author of Woman on Fire: Nine Elements to Wake up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power and Sexual Intelligence and co-author of the best-selling classic Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men. She earned her Master’s degree in Human Sexuality Education at New York University and has been teaching and speaking about feminism and sexuality for over two decades.


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