October 28, 2021
Sexual Politics & Culture

“Someday” is Bullshit

In the last 18 months, I have lost four people. A student-turned-friend, two mentors who I worked with and learned from for over 25 years each, and a friend/peer. I only got to tell one of them how much I loved them and how much they had impacted my life. I am grateful that I knew Betty Dodson was in a process of transition and I was able to talk to her and make sure nothing was left unsaid. I got to tell her about her imprint on me and my love for her. With the other three, I did not have that opportunity.  

Each had different circumstances that has me reflecting on my own approach to my life and relationships. With my student/friend, I needed to ask more questions and find out more of what was going on. I was out of the loop. I knew she was ill and also knew she was in a healing process. Time went by and before I knew it, she was gone. I could have supported her and checked on her had I been paying more attention, and I only found out when it was too late. 

With my friend who recently passed of COVID complications, we hadn’t talked in a long time and I have real regrets about not studying with her and spending more time with her. She was a kindred spirit and a light. I kept saying, “Well someday I want to train as a firewalker with Ann.”  

Someday never came.  

I’m tired of hearing myself say “someday” and not doing the things I talk about. My busy-ness has been such a bullshit excuse for missing out on what really counts in life and at the end of the day it serves very little that actually matters to me.  

Social media makes busy-ness look normal. All the aspirational posts keep us in a perpetual state of striving and never arriving, feeling unsatisfied, agitated and unhappy, but half the time we don’t know why because we don’t take a long enough break from devices and our busy-ness to check in with ourselves about what we are actually feeling.  

Quitting social media is so satisfying, yet hard to do completely. It’s become such a lifeline to our extended relationships. Yet if we stopped fucking around on social media following what friends from a bygone era of our lives are doing, we might have more energy to funnel into new, current relationships. And if we want some of those bygone era relationships to be current, we can pick up a phone. 

Someday is complete bullshit. You might as well say, “I have no intention of ever doing that.”  

What can we do instead? 

Here are some antidotes to avoiding the painful “somedays” that will never come:  

  • Stay in curiosity about the thing and don’t pretend you’re ever gonna do it until and unless you actually decide to do it.
  • Declare a timeline and make a commitment to do the thing you say you want to do.
  • Make your plan, move towards it and trust the universe to help you make it happen.
  • Stay connected to the people you care about and keep people informed when you know someone is in deep water or might soon leave this life.
  • Do what you motherfuckin’ say you’re gonna do.
  • Don’t lie to kids and model the bullshit use of “someday.” “Sure kiddo, someday we can do that.” Stop underestimating them and teach them the standards and practices above rather than your own bad habit of talk and no action.
  • Simply remove the word from your vocabulary. Surely we can be more creative than someday.
  • When someone dies or something passes you by that you regret, feel the feelings of grief and regret and allow that sadness to come up. Once you have felt it, forgive yourself and let it go, and commit to do differently going forward.

I have noticed that there is often a tension between families wanting to keep a death and dying process “private” and the result is keeping the larger community out. As they are transitioning, people are robbed of so much intimacy because we honor privacy over community. Especially when someone is in the public eye, beloved by many, they belong to the global community, not only to the closest family members.  

Let us not live on the cusp of always just a bit too late. Let us not create more grief for all we did not do in our relationships. Work, busy-ness, and our day-to-day responsibilities cannot supersede the relationships we are here to nurture and be fed by.  

Say what needs to be said, make sure the people you love know how much you love them, get beyond your ego self and love them fiercely and with presence and care. Being busy is a feeder of our need for importance. 

There is enough division in the world today. It is indicative of the division we have within ourselves. It gets us nothing but fragments. 

Today is all that exists—this moment. Someday is mere illusion.  

Do something today you’ve wanted to do, have that conversation you’ve put off, share with someone distant that you love them and how they have impacted you. 

No more somedays. 

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A’magine, formerly Amy Jo Goddard is author of Woman on Fire: Nine Elements to Wake up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power and Sexual Intelligence and co-author of the best-selling classic Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men. She earned her Master’s degree in Human Sexuality Education at New York University and has been teaching and speaking about feminism and sexuality for over two decades.

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